everyone takes on his role

I read in a book somewhere that in a Japanese family, the wife who had lost her husband lamented, "I can't do anything without 'my father'." I think it must have been some time ago, in a rather wealthy family. She would have asked a maid to do the housework, she might have had children, but she would have asked for help to raise them.

Her role would have been to look after the household in general and to support 'her father' = her husband, and a bit like Mrs Cora in Downton Abbey. This was a time when the patriarchal system still existed. And that was before the war, up to, say, my grandmother's generation.

That's why my grandmother couldn't do anything without a set-up... we say that people like her 'have never held anything heavier than a pair of chopsticks,' and that's really true about my grandmother, well, that's another story, for another time.

In the days when women were expected to obey men, men had to be responsible for their own well-being. These times have changed, but there are still men who, without a great deal of dignity behind them, are still bossy with women and children.

Especially in the south part of Japan, where I live, away from the centre of the country, an hour and a half by plane to Tokyo, there is still a conservative temperament and it is said to be a region where men are domineering. (I suppose this is slowly changing in the younger generation.)

From a very young age, I saw my grandfathers and father behaving in a pompous manner while at the same time being very protective of women and children, so I had no doubts about this custom. In fact, I sometimes felt that I was lacking in something, maybe languidness, of the city men I met in Tokyo.

After my mother has gone since late 2017, my father and I started to live together as two people (plus a dog), and I was so annoyed with him for thinking that housework was a woman's job. I'm not married, but I know what it's like to be a housewife. I can't deny that I receive a lot of protection in return.

I take on this role because I cannot take my eyes off my grandmother, who is elderly and lives alone, and my father who has had a stroke. It has taken me a long time to get used to the fact that the days when I could just live my life on my own terms are gone, but now I see it as a time for practice.