in a self-reparable manner

When I had a huge loss, reality chased and got me and didn't give me time to be overwhelmed by grief. I don't know if that's what it's like to grow up. Now I think I would have been allowed to leave it all behind and escape from reality, at least for a while.

It will soon be my mother's 命日 Mei-nichi, the anniversary of her death, that is four years ago. Ummm, Four Whole Years, it seems a long time, but sometimes I feel as if it was only yesterday that I spoke to my mother. It seems to be a true that time stretches and shrinks.

In an ageing society, was it a blessing that she was able to stop growing old when she was still relatively young, in her mid sixties, without having to be cared for by others, and without having to live in fear of death from illness for so long? ? If I don't think of excuses like this, the overwhelming misery that death brings is irreparable to me.