a kind of repudiation

This is a continuation of the story of the bottomless pit on 26 November.

I took care of my grandmother because I felt that I had to continue my mother's role uninterruptedly. I was the only one who had to change my life because of my mother's death. The rest of us returned to our daily lives shortly afterwards. Considering the burden on the hearts of us who loved her, I thought that the best way to soften the grief was to let life go on as unchanged as possible. My heart, of course, was in shambles, but it was at the bottom of my priority list. When I saw the bottomless pit of desires, I realised that my mother was no longer with us, and that trying to make things as they were when she was here was a denial of her death.

Accepting change in so many ways is painful and difficult, so I told myself that if my struggles reduced the suffering of my family, then so be it. I had become a nun, and devotion would be my role for the rest of my life. But it's not. I'm sure I've made life easier for my family in many ways, but they have not offered their help. And that made me think that this is unfair. But it's not that they are cheating, it's that I'm stupid and they are just defending their own territory.

What do you think?